Hope makes the difference between waiting and anticipation

As a contemplative nun, I rarely leave our property, going out only for business like bank trips and doctor visits. For this reason, I can’t remember when I last got stuck in a traffic jam and sat waiting in place until we could drive on.

However, I do a certain amount of business by phone, and I know well what it is like to be put on hold and sit there – often with the receiver a few inches from my ear so that the mega-bass doesn’t drum me into numbness. By the time I reach this state, I have waded through the automatic menus, and the various options “that have recently changed,” and somehow (I can never remember how I did it), I have convinced the virtual assistant to “connect me to a representative.” A representative! That means a real person! Someone that doesn’t just give me useless directions and who actually lets me tell them what the problem is!

Sitting on hold for an unknown length of time can be exasperating. Some sites are more exasperating than others, depending on their music and the various messages that they repeat from time to time. But the knowledge that the “holding pen” will open up to a real conversation enables me to look forward to what is to come instead of fuming about what presently is. The light is visible at the end of the tunnel. I can anticipate a positive outcome. My hope has a firm foundation.

This is true in the spiritual life. Hope is one of the three theological virtues, together with faith and love, that connect us directly to God. Let me repeat that: Hope connects us directly to God. The virtue of hope is not some vague, hazy, “now I wish upon a star” desire. It is an amazing power that brings the life of God directly into the present moment. St. Cyril of Alexandria wrote, “Those who have a sure hope, guaranteed by the Spirit, that they will rise again lay hold of what lies in the future as though it were already present.” When we read this, one instantaneous reaction is to shake our head and think, “That’s ridiculous. Who walks in this world as though they were walking through heaven?” A second reaction will often be, “that would be lovely, if only it was true.” If we don’t throw the idea out with a sigh, we may then actually wonder, “But what if it is true? What if – somehow, some way – I can already live in heaven while I am still here on earth?”

St. Catherine of Siena said, “All the way to heaven is heaven because Jesus said, “I am the Way.’” I may not realize it, but as long as I am trying, however fumblingly, to love God and my neighbor, then I am walking in heaven because I am walking in him. Failures don’t matter as long as I keep trying. Falls don’t matter because he also fell under the cross. Crying and complaining don’t matter because we find tears and complaints in the Psalms. Giving up in weariness will happen, but something will get me going again. In spite of the fears, the confusion, the hopelessness. Hope connects me directly to God, and God never gives up on us, so hope never lets me give up on God.

Something calls me on, something keeps me going through the darkness. It may not even be a clear thought. It may be only a dim wish, but as I put my foot forward in the next step, I will find that, however dim the wish, it is not wishy-washy. My mind may not be able to grasp it, my emotions may not taste anything, but my foot moves forward just as his foot moved forward. My soul knows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a light that I cannot see, but one that leads me on in hope.

Sister Gabriela of the Incarnation is a member of the Discalced Carmelites order in Flemington. Learn more at www.flemingtoncarmel.org.