Love is always enough

“In the evening of life, we shall be judged on love.”  St. John of the Cross 

I often hear that love is not enough for a relationship or marriage to work. Recently, I came across a popular podcaster who ran a whole episode based on that mistaken premise. “Love is not enough” has become a familiar cliché used to assuage a friend’s or one’s own relationship woes. Songs have even been written claiming, “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough,” as in the 1990’s hit single.

But does love fail us or do we fail love? Presently, we seem to have an inverted sense of love due to a disordering of affections, and therefore, a misunderstanding of what love really is. Thanks to the “sexual revolution” courtship, vow, consummation became consummation, courtship, vow.

On his podcast the host shared the following: “Every relationship I’ve had has been a sexual attraction first, a chemistry, a feeling…this feels good let’s hang out again…falling into a pattern of spending more time, great sexual connection, lots of shared interests…but never talking about the values or the vision. And finding out later the hard way, do our values line up, does our vision line up?”

Premature intimacy is like playing roulette with your heart. In a relationship, it instantly takes a couple to a whole new level, even if they are not ready to be there, and even if they have not taken the time to truly get to know one another. And when you give yourself to someone without really knowing him or her well enough the intense feelings you are having may deceive you into believing that you are closer than you actually are.  Emotions greatly impact your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes you may project desirable attributes onto your partner to compensate for what you don’t know about them. You construct delusions of grandeur, a fantasy in your mind, of what you wish the relationship to be.

The host was right in saying that two people in a relationship must have shared vision and values, and that virtues, such as kindness and trust, are necessary for the relationship to last. But he neglected to identify the source from which all virtues flow. Love is not one among many virtues it is the bedrock all virtues. Values and shared vision are lacking if they do not spring forth from love of God. Someone who loves is patient because he will temporarily deny himself comfort for the good of his beloved. “Love is patient and kind,” 1 Cor 13:4.

Another podcast host said, “Love will never be enough to save your relationship, at least the way today’s culture has defined it.” Therein lies the problem. Today’s culture has redefined love based more on emotion than reality. The true definition of love is found in the timeless Word of God and modeled in Jesus, Mary and the saints. For Aquinas, love means, “to consistently will and choose the good of the other.”

There are various reasons why we humans often fall short in love, the first being we do not go to its source. God is love. So, those who say love is not enough are inadvertently saying God is not enough. Fulton Sheen said that the basic error of mankind is to assume that only two are needed for love, when it actually takes three: self, other selves and God; you, me, and God.

The truth is, love is always enough. Although we often fail at love it does not mean that love is not enough, it means that there is not enough love, which includes love of God and love of self. In order for love to be perfected in us, God must dwell in us (cf. 1 John 4:12). “We love because he first loved us” 1 John 4:19.

Jesus’ passion, death and resurrection made divine love a free gift to us all. Let us not waste another moment trying to love without him, for with his grace every relationship can be redeemed and strengthened. Divine love is the breath of life. The next time you hear “love is not enough” remember that Love overcame death, even death on a Cross.

One popular band had it right: Love is all you need (Real love, that is).

Anna M. Githens is a freelance writer with a career background in finance, teaching and journalism. She holds an MA in Theology, a BA in Economics and a Certification in Theology of the Body.