Suicide should evoke compassion, not judgment

I’ll never forget my freshman year in college. I had just returned home after my final exams. Two days later, I got a call from the resident assistant of my dorm who informed me that my roommate took his own life. First of all, my roommate was the last person on the floor that I would have ever expected to end his own life. He was handsome. He was popular. He was athletic and intelligent. He had lots of friends and was even engaged. So, why would somebody with so much going for him decide to call it quits. And while 48 years have elapsed since my buddy committed suicide, it’s something that remains with me to this day. I share this vignette from my life because suicide is the third largest killer of young people in the United States.

Many young people have resorted to what they believed would give them the inner peace they craved and could not find. As in the case of my roommate from college, so here, these young people did not fit the stereotypical profile of one who would take his or her own life. They apparently showed no signs of depression. They did not seem despondent to their family or friends. In many cases, these individuals were popular — easy to be with, and had lots of friends, siblings and parents who loved him. Why didn’t anyone catch the signs that they were troubled before this tragedy occurred? Probably for the same reason why I didn’t notice anything was wrong with my former roommate. Sometimes, the signs of trouble are subtle or, worse, nonexistent. The truth is, we don’t always know why people choose to end their own lives, but in these moments, we’re not called to be detectives or forensic psychologists. Most of all, we are not called to be judges. We are called to be compassionate. Most importantly, we should not remember these young people by when, how or why they died; rather, we should remember how they lived, the lives they touched and their goodness.

All too often, especially in Catholic circles, we are quick to speculate on someone’s plight. Prior to the Second Vatican Council, if someone committed suicide — it was thought that they went straight to hell. This was thought of as an unforgivable sin! Why?  Suicide was considered a violation of the Fifth Commandment and if anyone should die in a state of mortal sin, it was believed that this person could not be with God and the saints in heaven. In fact, to make matters worse, no funeral could be held for this individual nor could he or she be buried in a Catholic cemetery.

Thank God, the Church has grown in wisdom and compassion. By incorporating psychology into theology, it is now understood by the Church that suicide is complex.  Furthermore, we cannot assume that the person who takes his or her own life met the three criteria of mortal sin, namely, especially as this concerns freedom. Granted, the offense was serious in nature. Perhaps the victim even had sufficient knowledge of what he or she was going to do. But for one who is psychologically distraught, on the brink of despair, how much free-will does he or she really possess? But let’s not be legalistic about the ultimate fate of anyone who dies by his or her own hand. Our hope is not in casuistic loopholes but in Jesus who is the embodiment of the mercy of God. We gather to commend their souls to the God of love and mercy — the God who was with these young people in their suffering and in the final moments leading up to their death. It is this God who gives us hope to believe that their journey  has not ended; rather, they have passed into a better existence where there is no more suffering, no more tears, no more separation. Let us take solace in this hope and remember that suicide should evoke compassion, not judgment.

Father Comandini is managing editor of “The Catholic Spirit.”