Aging with Grace: Facing the challenges of growing older with God’s grace and the faith community

When many people reach a certain age, they suffer losses unlike those they may have experienced in the past: loss of mobility, loss of independence, loss of vision or hearing, loss of the family home. Loss of a spouse.

At any age, the death of a spouse is life-changing. But in the golden years, when it is the spouse who is one’s confidant, comforter and constant companion, the loss can be devastating.

Without God’s grace and the support of family and friends, the grief process can be lonely and frightening.

“The elderly may not have the support systems in place. Additionally, they may see this as the end of their having purpose or being a burden on others,” said Cheryl C. Gatti, bereavement ministry facilitator at St. Mary Parish-Stony Hill, Watchung.

“With the elderly, we are concerned about two things: the secondary losses and the health,” she explained. The secondary losses include no longer having a purpose as a caregiver, financial issues and isolation.

“The elderly often have physical and mental health issues as well that are exacerbated by the loss of a loved one,” she continued. “This is a big part of what we talk about because they may not happen initially. We share that it is important to recognize this and stress the importance to reach out to their healthcare provider or others.”

The parish program is open to all who have suffered a loss, and most of the participants are seniors who have lost spouses or children.

“The group offers a safe place to share anger, fears, etc.,” Gatti said. “One of the most important rules is that everything shared in our group is confidential. It offers a group of people sharing similar experiences. Most importantly, it is a place of hope, of defining a life after loss than can be meaningful and joyful.”

It has been estimated that by 2030, about 70 million Americans – 20 percent of the population – will be over age 65.

“Sadly, the biggest changes in later life often involve losses: of spouse or adult children; of friends, home, health or career identity; and, finally, of one’s very life,” the U.S. bishops wrote in “Blessings of Age,” their 1999 pastoral message on growing older.

They observed, “This stripping away of so much that is held so dear is a painful process, one that can seem almost unrelenting, especially in advanced years. It can, however, be a natural preparation for death – the ultimate stripping of externals – and eternal life in heaven.”

Recognizing the social, economic and spiritual implications of this rapidly growing age group, the bishops encouraged a fresh perspective that embraces the gift of aging, recognizing the blessings and the losses, and embracing the vision of older persons as active participants in contributing to the Church’s life and mission and in meeting the spiritual needs of its members.

St. Pope John Paul II once said, “Arriving at an older age is to be considered a privilege: not simply because not everyone has the good fortune to reach this stage in life, but also, and above all, because this period provides real possibilities for better evaluating the past, for knowing and living more deeply the Paschal Mystery, for becoming an example in the Church for the whole People of God.”

Gatti encourages family members and friends to check in on elderly persons who have lost a spouse. “Offer assertive choices like ‘What day this week am I picking you up for lunch?’ rather than ‘Call me if you need anything.’”

The parish can also be a lifeline, offering a sense of community and the opportunity to become involved and have purpose. The grace of the Sacraments is valuable beyond measure.

“We are all growing older, not just as individuals but as members of a faith community,” the bishops wrote.  “The spiritual growth of the aging person is affected by the community and affects the community.

“Aging demands the attention of the entire Church. How the faith community relates to its older members – recognizing their presence, encouraging their contributions, responding to their needs and providing appropriate opportunities for spiritual growth – is a sign of the community’s spiritual health and maturity.”

The Diocese of Metuchen has 24 Ministry of Consolation Support Groups for those who are grieving, and two in St. Peter’s University Hospital, New Brunswick. For a brochure contact the Office of Human Life and Dignity at [email protected] or call 732-562-1543.