Honest marriage must have room for dialogue, compromise

In February, the Church observes World Marriage Day. On this occasion, I thought that I would juxtapose Matthew’s Gospel about “if you are angry with your brother” onto a canvas where spouses are seen being angry with each other.

In any healthy marriage, there are going to be disagreements.  There are going to be arguments.  There are going to be moments when you wish you were single.  There are going to be times when every little thing that your spouse does or, fails to do, will get on your nerves.  Enter the words of Matthew:` “before your bring your gifts to the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother.”  We could easily paraphrase the kergyma of these words as follows:  “Husbands and wives, before you go shut the lights, resolve your anger with each other, be reconciled with each other, then bring your gift to each other in bed.”

One reason why 50 percent of Catholic marriages today end in divorce, within three years after the wedding, is because couples do not know how to argue, without attacking each other’s physical appearance or character flaws.

Secondly, they are not cognizant of just how important it is to communicate anger or disappointment in one’s marriage immediately. The worst thing is to let this anger fester because, eventually, like a volcano, it erupts and it can be ugly! It’s been my experience that newlyweds can’t deal with frustration, which comes with any vocation.  In some cases, stubbornness fails to yield to humility and, the words, “I’m sorry” are never said. Then, one morning, when you think FTD is ringing the door bell to deliver flowers, a kind gesture to make up for the snit, snap or snub, you find instead a sheriff’s officer standing before you holding papers which he hands you as he says:  “you’ve been served.”

“How does one go from being in love to falling out of love?”  It happens.  Divorces occur — and, in certain cases, such as continued domestic violence or a refusal by a spouse to get help with an addiction, or adultery — divorce should happen. But that’s a homily for another day.

Today, let’s focus our attention on why Jesus’ envisioned marriage as something more than a natural bond between a man and woman.  On this World Marriage Day — let us remember that it was Jesus who elevated marriage to the level of sacrament — now known as “holy matrimony.” Unique to matrimony, Jesus envisioned the union of man and woman in an indissoluble relationship, serving a purpose greater than just crowning the love of a husband and wife. How? The grace of this sacramq`ent affects not just the couple but the Christian world.  It strengthens the faithful on earth, assists the souls in purgatory and honors the blessed in heaven. Just as Jesus could not divorce himself from his bride, the Church, so he cannot fathom the dissolution of a marriage because this would communicate a lie, namely, that Christ has abandoned us. So, we, who are the Church, do not want to see any of our married couples part company over a snits, snaps or snubs.  Whether these are caused by finances, dealing with in-laws, arguments on how to discipline children, or when to shut the smart phone and make love, not money.  Yes, in an honest marriage, there must be room for dialogue and compromise.

Spats, snits and snubs are all part of the marital matrix — but all to often, vows made at the altar are watered down to empty promises — and “my needs” take precedence over the good of the couple or the family.  We, who are Church, implore all our married couples to fight for the survival of their vocation.  Why? We need you because you are, for us, a grace-bearing, incarnate sign of Jesus’ love for us.

“But what happens when a couple can’t seem to resolve their differences before they go to bed angry with each other? That’s when they need to remember that marriage is not just a legal contract, it’s a sacramental covenant and, there is a third person in this circle of love: Jesus. So, for those who have forgotten this, take note:  when your husband leaves the toilet seat up and has been wearing the same sweat shirt for three days, or your wife no longer takes an interest in her figure as she once did, or your husband wolfs down his meal in five minutes, after you spent hours preparing it in the hopes of engaging in occasional eye contact and maybe have a conversation, or an argument flares up over one spouse’s insistence on turning off the Blackberry for a while, in the hopes of making love, not money — don’t go to bed angry.  Instead, call on Jesus, as a couple, and ask him to help you survive this impasse. That’s when his grace kicks in, and snits, snaps and snubs turn to smiles.

Father Comandini is managing editor of “The Catholic Spirit.”