Keep toxic relationships out of reach at home, work

Two weeks ago in the Sunday Gospel, Jesus instructs the Apostles that if they are not welcomed wherever they go, they should “shake the dust from their sandals” and leave that place. The Lord’s instruction that the disciples should leave the place where they are not welcomed makes perfectly good sense and follows Jesus’ teaching that we have dignity and should never surrender that God-given trait, even if it seems the only way to win peace or harmony.

This is an important lesson for those of us who suffer verbal, physical or emotional abuse at the hands of our employers, neighbors or even certain relatives — just for the sake of keeping our jobs, a calm neighborhood or peace in the family. Well, such a stance is not in keeping with the biblical Jesus. This notion that we should put up with people’s disrespectful behavior at any cost is not the response warranted; instead, we should avoid hostile or abusive people. And, we should also be mindful of individuals who pass themselves off as our “friends,” but, in all honesty, are just using us in a codependent fashion in order to elicit a compassionate ear as they vent their frustrations, or to make us assume the position of an enabler and/or rescuer. Such relationships are not healthy — in fact, they prevent congruity and can mushroom into what therapists refer to as symbiotic relationships — in other words, two unhealthy individuals no longer relate to each other as they should, rather, they feed off each other for whatever they lack. Then, there are those who are related to us by work, school or blood — and who, for one reason or another, just don’t like us.

As with friends, so with relatives, we should treat them the way that we would want to be treated; however, if they are rude, crass, abrasive, offensive or, in a word, destructive to our ego, our spirit, or even the climate of our home, our office, our school, then we should consider these to be “toxic” relationships. In other words, no good can come from these, they are “poisonous,” and like any poison, we should keep such relationships out of our reach. They are not good for us. They are not healthy relationships. And while Jesus summons us in another section of the Gospel to offer our persecutors our right cheek when they slap the left, how long should the slapping continue before we realize that Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer needlessly in any individual or group dynamics? Must we wait before we resemble a Sharpei from people slapping us until we wake up and realize that we don’t deserve such abuse? Redemptive suffering, such as offering our pain from arthritis for the poor souls in purgatory is constructive — it gives suffering meaning and builds on the redemptive mission began by Jesus. But suffering which is destructive, as in the case of toxic relationships — this, my friends, serves no purpose. It takes a toll on our bodies and our minds — leaving us hurt, broken, wounded and incapable of recognizing our God-given dignity.

God wants us to be healthy people so that we can actualize our potential in building his kingdom. It follows then that God also wants us to have a healthy self-esteem — and if that requires staying away from those who do not welcome us, that is to say, they do not treat us with dignity and respect — then that’s what we should do, without guilt, without looking back, with both cheeks in tac! Should we resort to violence? No. Should we retaliate? No. Should we wish them ill?  No. Just shake the dust from your sandals, walk away and leave the rest to Jesus!

Father Comandini is managing editor of “The Catholic Spirit”